Sleep. It comes at a small price. The price of your conscience and mental awareness. 4x4, 5x5, 6x6 and so on, you get what you give. But if only 'they' would take an advance and allow me to trade the next 3 days of my awake self for 3 days of sleep. So I wont be aware of anything that's going on. So I wont have to listen to someone complain to me about who is saying what and whats not true. I could finally feel like I did before, free from other peoples (for lack of better words) shit.
This weekend (as of Friday morning to now) has slipped by me in a haze clouded up by broken thoughts and a memory of what it feels like to be completely disconnected. Anxiety from the moment my feet land on the less-than-soft carpet of my living room to the time my head falls on the mass of cotton lump in a case. I have felt disoriented, disconnected and utterly confused, doing my best to hide it all and keep a positive attitude seems to make the anxiety hit a peak towards the end of the night. I went to see a movie with two good friends. I can barely tell you what the movie was about or any of the dialogue. I just cant remember, I vaguely remember laughing only when I heard others laughing so that I wouldn't look crass, bored or just different. It wasn't that I was lost in some deep complex thought process of linking memories or ideas....it was the opposite, it was that for once in a long time, my mind had shut down in the most uncomfortable way. As if my body were a hollow shell and my eyes were a type of security camera sending the monitored signal back into my brain, i felt empty and drained of anything resembling human life or emotion. I think I'm just too exhausted and its playing tricks on my mind, making me just exist and fool me into thinking its for no reason, but let me tell you. The last couple of days, have actually felt as if they were a dream, my dreams held more materialistic reality and substance than what I can remember from reality. This all started when I had a horrific dream that I cant remember 2-3 nights ago, all I remember is I woke up with anxiety and in a mild panic. It was one of those dreams that seemed to captivate your subconscious to the point of fool the bigger brother of your brain (your conscience) into thinking it was real and by some hidden force of nature at the end of this sequence you were somehow in your bed with no recollection of how you ended up there. I can tell you this, that there is nothing emotionally or mentally wrong with me (physical is another story lately)
Speaking of 'happy' I forgot to mention (unless I've already forgotten) I am happy, I am extremely happy, I am just trying to explain this peculiar strain of events that seem to be a foggy memory. I think at this point I am just writing and rambling and none of this is ever going to make sense to you to me to anyone. But its the first time that I've sat in front of the keyboard and the mental floodgates opened up to a wave of thoughts that seem to just posses my fingers and pour themselves out in a long, long, long time. And this is probably going to be private.
I just want to sleep.